Warning: This post contains mature material and was really scary to write. (Don’t read this Mom and Dad lol.)
I want to share this experience in hopes of bringing hope to someone no matter how scary or how long it takes me to write.
I was 18 years old and with my ex boyfriend of 2 years. I was in love with love itself. My whole life I have always had so much love to give and I loved to be loved.
He had a wonderful family and I was drawn in by their open arms. As we began to get more serious, we began a physical relationship. Although the world’s view on sex has changed, I was raised with the value of waiting until marriage to have sex.
I went against my parent’s wishes and it wasn’t for the first time either.
The end of our physical relationship:
I remember the fear rushing through my blood and reaching my heart making it beat faster than my breath could catch up with.
The condom had broken.
We were in this moment of not knowing what was going to happen or how we were going to fix it. We came up with a plan… and its name was B.
A pill that I knew little about and I took anyway.
After that I thought nothing of it until I got the pain.
You’re going to remember this forever.
I’m being evaluated in the emergency room for severe pain on my left side. They go through all the routine questions and routine tests and as I’m lying there waiting for results, I’m almost positive it has to be my appendix and the doctors are thinking the same thing as well. My mom is standing there by the bed and the nurse walks in, keep in mind my parents are unaware of the physical relationship I have with my boyfriend, and then it happens. “You’re pregnant.“
I try to avoid eye contact with my mom by staring at the nurse with this dumbfounded look in my eyes. What am I supposed to feel right now? I’m not married, whoa there’s a baby in there, I want kids, my mom is going to kill me. and then it hits me, wait, I’m on my period. So, if the pregnancy bomb wasn’t enough they hit me with the news that I have most likely miscarried.
They asked me if I’m on medications or if I’ve taken anything, and that’s when I remember that pill. That little pill I had no information about. In the midst of all the emotion I immediately think I took a pill for abortion. Since I had so little information on it I began to believe that I had unknowingly aborted a baby.
(But here’s what the pill really does.)
They moved me into another room. I could tell my nurse was confused by all the emotions flying around. She probably thought I’d be glad to be rid of an unplanned pregnancy. Little did she know how much I value life. So I lie there, sobbing deeply, hoping there would be a chance for this baby to survive, my face in the bed, as the nurse tries to comfort me.What she told me that day stays vivid in my mind, she said “You’re going to remember this forever, I know it’s hard, and even when you are pregnant again, all you’ll be able to think about is this.”
Not long after all this, my boyfriend and I broke up. ________________________________________________________
Now I’m going to fast forward a few years of my life so I can talk more about my main topics. I can write about my actual Love life later. So, fast forward ahead 4 years, to when I’m 2 years into my marriage with my wonderful husband, David.
A new Journey
We had just gotten back from vacation and I’m about a week late. Now, we never used any birth control our entire marriage so I ALWAYS thought I was pregnant. Although we were not trying, pregnancy tests were a common household item. So, I thought, “No, it’s just me being paranoid…” and after going back and forth with myself and my husband, I thought, “What the heck.”
So, there I was waiting by myself in the restroom before work. My husband was still in bed. I peed on the stick, set it down, checked the time on my phone, and I was about to walk away, when- there they were. those two little lines! From the restroom, I call my husband with a tone of voice that says “Oh boy, wait until you hear what I have to say!”.. I hand it to him and he’s like “No way!”.
I spent the entire morning giggling, but we wanted to be sure so we agreed to talk about it that night, after work. On the way home, I went to the store and picked up one of those more expensive tests that tell you how far along you are and well you can watch for yourself:
Risks and decisions:
I was so excited and we hadn’t told anyone yet. I was about 5 weeks along, when the worst happened. I started getting a pain on my right side. I began to panic. I thought, “It’s happening, again.”
I wasn’t bleeding so I just ignored it until it really got bad. I didn’t want to go to the emergency for fear of what I would be told, but I knew I had to take care of that baby. So, we went into the ER and they tested everything. They told me they couldn’t see a baby and that it was possible I had an ectopic pregnancy. They wanted to do surgery right away.
As I sat in that hospital bed in an emotional de ja vu, I couldn’t bring myself to make the decision of going through with the surgery because they weren’t 100% sure and the surgery itself could harm the baby. I remember sitting there crying hysterically. The doctor told my husband he needed to make the decision for me. My husband decided to not risk my life with the risks of it being an ectopic pregnancy. Hysterical and emotionally not-all-there, they began wheeling me in. I didn’t even get the chance to realize what was going on fast enough to change anything. The last I remember was counting down from ten, with tears still on my face.
I wake up in a totally different area and see my nurse.
I’m going to remember this forever:
Remember how I told you about that last nurse who told me, “You’re going to remember this forever.” Well, this moment, I will also be remembering forever. The moment my nurse said, “Hi honey, it was just your appendix…
…The baby is fine“
Just typing this is making me tear up because the rest of my pregnancy was perfect.
We found out we were having a baby girl
I gave birth 04/04
She is now 5 months old and brings me so much joy
This experience has taught me to value life even more and that sometimes things happen for a reason. In no way am I saying that a miscarriage is ever a good thing because it was devastating and heartbreaking, but I look back now and think of where I would be if things would’ve turned out differently. I am absolutely surrounded by joy and love right now and I can’t imagine my life without my Lily.
If there’s someone you know of that might benefit from my story, please share. Be sure to follow us. click here for more about me. I will be posting more content about my struggles with motherhood including breastfeeding and post-partum and remember…